I.F.: Homage

Here I am obviously paying homage to two great works of art: the Munch painting Scream and the Macaulay masterpiece Home Alone. Both pieces perfectly capture that dark night of the soul, where one must battle their inner demons or bumbling burglars shaped like Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

I was disappointed that Macaulay wasn't in the third installment of Home Alone (couldn't they just digitally remove the five-o'clock shadow?). I refused to watch on principle. I hope he pulls a Rambo/Rocky and revisits this role 25 years from now.

I.F.: Garden

The Garden is getting more political than ever. And I'm not just talking about right-wing carrots jockeying for position or purple-loosestrife planning some hostile takeover.

No, no, I'm talking about a ravenous beast hovering wherever a lettuce leaf blows on the wind: the localvore (or, in some circles, the locavore). Now, I've been part of local food groups, enjoyed meals made up of wonderful local offerings, but we've always cheated a little bit to make things meal-worthy (a mango here, some bananas there, even Boston lettuce has been know to paddle over to our plate). Not so with the localvore. If the garden delights come from more than 50 km away, they're dead to them. Dead.

Now, as restrictive as this can be, it's also quite beneficial in supporting a local economy, with a side benefit of being fresher and probably healthier (Monsanto spawn notwithstanding).

Today's Garden illustration isn't local. It's tomatoes from Pluto, that sad, demoted planet.

Illustration Friday: Leap

Leapin' Lounge Lizards, Liza! A Lethal Leaper!

Somewhere in a landfill near you are the casualties of home gym's past. Please add this hangover from the '80s, the home trampoline (yes, the crude drawing above), to the pile, which will be in good company with the Thighmaster...

and the BowFlex...

and the tres disturbing Ab Flex...

This cartoon is semi-autobiographical. Thankfully, I only bonked my head on the ceiling, but I was afraid of going through it.

Look before you leap...and before you impale yourself with an Ab Flex.

Illustration Friday: Fat

The hullabaloo over fat simply will not end. Some see this as a constant reminder about how vain our society is...and some see it as a business opportunity. Take our savvy friend Jenny Craig, for example. Her new Ocean Liner Ass line of food, targeted directly at whales, confirms that no mammal is without vanity, particuarly when the ocean is their mirror. Business leaders have praised Jenny for sinking her healthy anchor into this untapped goldmine known notoriously for their blubber. Strict adherence to the diet promises a svelte Baby Beluga physique. In 10 years' time, we'll all owe a debt to Jenny for making the ocean more Vogue-friendly - that is, if those rascals at the WWF and Peta can keep their vegan noses out of this and finally put beauty before politics.

Illustration Friday: Under the sea

I drew this picture for all of you, like me, who don't have sea nearby. I hope some day that I will live within walking distance from the sea, but until then I will take a cue from these chaps and create my own sea out of one of those moving boxes. Not exactly like the real thing, but you'll find that the cardboard sharks are a lot less likely to make mincemeat out of you (although they can give you a mean papercut!).

Illustration Friday: Robot

Missed the boat on this one, but I thought I'd share it anyways.

Meet the Econobot. This was an early '80s offering for poorer landowners who could not afford the more sophisticated robots that opened fridges to retrieve beer.

The Econobot claimed to have it all. First there was the TV head, but it only seemed to play the test pattern. But what a test pattern! Then there was the vending machine chest of glory that offered a robust selection of chips and cola, but said refreshments seemed to disappear in the middle of the night, and Econobot turned a bright red when questioned about it.
The Econobot is obviously one for telephony, what with its state-of-the-art rotary phone that it can dial itself for you. One side effect to this feature is Econobot often falls apart when you use the phone because its structural integrity depends on it. And what's that on the feet? Why, it's a player piano. Unfortunately all current models of Econobot can only play Heart and Soul, and this novelty gets tired faster than you can say "Tom Hanks in Big."

Finally, there is the giant massager hands, which proved to be the Econobot's final undoing after it turned a former Mr. Universe into a modern day Quasimodo. Apparently the Econobot was in vigorous mode when the tragedy occurred. But we still love you, Econobot, in a retro kind of way.

Illustration Friday: Spotted

Nothing says Easter like a spotted egg. I was just about in a chocolate coma yesterday due to too many eggs, and it was in this state that I hallucinated an egg offering me more eggs. That is the sad truth about chocolate: there's either too much or not enough.