Paint Over It

I.F.: Homage

2008-03-31T20:24:00.001-07:00

Here I am obviously paying homage to two great works of art: the Munch painting Scream and the Macaulay masterpiece Home Alone. Both pieces perfectly capture that dark night of the soul, where one must battle their inner demons or bumbling burglars shaped like Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

I was disappointed that Macaulay wasn't in the third installment of Home Alone (couldn't they just digitally remove the five-o'clock shadow?). I refused to watch on principle. I hope he pulls a Rambo/Rocky and revisits this role 25 years from now.

I.F.: Garden

2008-03-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

The Garden is getting more political than ever. And I'm not just talking about right-wing carrots jockeying for position or purple-loosestrife planning some hostile takeover.

No, no, I'm talking about a ravenous beast hovering wherever a lettuce leaf blows on the wind: the localvore (or, in some circles, the locavore). Now, I've been part of local food groups, enjoyed meals made up of wonderful local offerings, but we've always cheated a little bit to make things meal-worthy (a mango here, some bananas there, even Boston lettuce has been know to paddle over to our plate). Not so with the localvore. If the garden delights come from more than 50 km away, they're dead to them. Dead.

Now, as restrictive as this can be, it's also quite beneficial in supporting a local economy, with a side benefit of being fresher and probably healthier (Monsanto spawn notwithstanding).

Today's Garden illustration isn't local. It's tomatoes from Pluto, that sad, demoted planet.

Illustration Friday: Leap

2008-03-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

Leapin' Lounge Lizards, Liza! A Lethal Leaper!

Somewhere in a landfill near you are the casualties of home gym's past. Please add this hangover from the '80s, the home trampoline (yes, the crude drawing above), to the pile, which will be in good company with the Thighmaster...

and the BowFlex...

and the tres disturbing Ab Flex...

This cartoon is semi-autobiographical. Thankfully, I only bonked my head on the ceiling, but I was afraid of going through it.

Look before you leap...and before you impale yourself with an Ab Flex.

Illustration Friday: Fat

2006-05-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

The hullabaloo over fat simply will not end. Some see this as a constant reminder about how vain our society is...and some see it as a business opportunity. Take our savvy friend Jenny Craig, for example. Her new Ocean Liner Ass line of food, targeted directly at whales, confirms that no mammal is without vanity, particuarly when the ocean is their mirror. Business leaders have praised Jenny for sinking her healthy anchor into this untapped goldmine known notoriously for their blubber. Strict adherence to the diet promises a svelte Baby Beluga physique. In 10 years' time, we'll all owe a debt to Jenny for making the ocean more Vogue-friendly - that is, if those rascals at the WWF and Peta can keep their vegan noses out of this and finally put beauty before politics.

Illustration Friday: Under the sea

2006-05-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

I drew this picture for all of you, like me, who don't have sea nearby. I hope some day that I will live within walking distance from the sea, but until then I will take a cue from these chaps and create my own sea out of one of those moving boxes. Not exactly like the real thing, but you'll find that the cardboard sharks are a lot less likely to make mincemeat out of you (although they can give you a mean papercut!).

Illustration Friday: Robot

2006-04-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

Missed the boat on this one, but I thought I'd share it anyways.

Meet the Econobot. This was an early '80s offering for poorer landowners who could not afford the more sophisticated robots that opened fridges to retrieve beer.

The Econobot claimed to have it all. First there was the TV head, but it only seemed to play the test pattern. But what a test pattern! Then there was the vending machine chest of glory that offered a robust selection of chips and cola, but said refreshments seemed to disappear in the middle of the night, and Econobot turned a bright red when questioned about it.
The Econobot is obviously one for telephony, what with its state-of-the-art rotary phone that it can dial itself for you. One side effect to this feature is Econobot often falls apart when you use the phone because its structural integrity depends on it. And what's that on the feet? Why, it's a player piano. Unfortunately all current models of Econobot can only play Heart and Soul, and this novelty gets tired faster than you can say "Tom Hanks in Big."

Finally, there is the giant massager hands, which proved to be the Econobot's final undoing after it turned a former Mr. Universe into a modern day Quasimodo. Apparently the Econobot was in vigorous mode when the tragedy occurred. But we still love you, Econobot, in a retro kind of way.

Illustration Friday: Spotted

2006-04-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing says Easter like a spotted egg. I was just about in a chocolate coma yesterday due to too many eggs, and it was in this state that I hallucinated an egg offering me more eggs. That is the sad truth about chocolate: there's either too much or not enough.

Illustration Friday: Speed

2006-04-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

When I first thought of speed I was sitting at work on a Friday, and I was amazed at how time virtually stood still between 2-4 p.m., as if some greater power was fussing with the speed of time to taunt me and get more work out of me.

It then occurred to me that for every second of those two hours a hummingbird could beat its wings for up to 200 beats a second. Amazing! I love the blur the wings create when they move, yet the hummingbird doesn't look tired (but it must be!!)

I've only seen hummingbirds on film, so I hope some day to see a live one. Until then, I raise my glass to the bird that hums.

Illustration Friday: Spring

2006-04-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

Spring...the loveliest of seasons and, sadly, the shortest, at least in Toronto. But for those few weeks when buds start a-buddin' and people slowly discard the 3 layers of clothing that just barely got them through the winter, there is amazing transformation all around us. The sidewalks start filling up again, kids start playing stickball and people are finding more excuses to get out of the office. Glorious time!

This was a quickie illustration today. I was imagining the bud being somewhat like a hibernating bear, and nothing says YAWN like a season's worth of sleep. On a side note, never disturb a bear (or a bud, for that matter) when they're hibernating. Deep sleep makes one sensitive.

Illustration Friday: Monster

2006-03-25T20:11:00.000-08:00

There have been about as many theories about why socks go missing after laundering as there are creation myths, so I thought I would take this opportunity to illustrate what really happens: you are being visited by the dryer monster.

Now, the dryer monster is only interested in socks, and prefers singles to pairs. Its tongue is quite swift, like the wings of a hummingbird, and for this reason goes undetected.

What does it look like? From all eye-witness accounts it might actually be just a giant tongue. The light bulb, pictured above, could probably tell us more if only it spoke in terms we understood.

Some conspiracy theorists have argued that the dryer monster is actually hired by dryer manufacturers to eat socks, and the sock companies, in turn, give the dryer companies kickbacks from increased sales.

I'd like to end on a more serious, practical note. A while ago I learned a great tip from some lifestyle mag about a surefire way of keeping pairs of socks together after laundering: safety-pin your socks together when you throw them in the hamper. Safety pin, you've done it again!

Illustration Friday: Feet

2006-03-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

Alas, there are many highs and lows to being tall. Some of the highs are a competitive edge in basketball and reaching the top shelf of those towering kitchen cupboards. One of the lows, pictured above, is shoe shopping. All the trendy shops seem to use 12 as a cutoff size, while I'm pushing a 15.

This drawing actually happened to me yesterday in trendy Queen West in Toronto (but I was wearing socks). I'm seriously considering becoming the Cobbler of Cool after this latest incident, with sizes ranging from Tiny Tim to Shaq. Stay tuned (and stay trendy)...

Illustration Friday: Insect

2006-03-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

Insects are beautiful things, but I'll forever be haunted by the earwig. A permanent fixture in campground shower stalls from coast to coast, not to mention many classy urban dwellings, the earwig has proven adaptable to the changing times. The leaf seen above is no more precious to the earwig than the drain in the bathtub.

I think the reason I'm so haunted by earwigs is because of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Almost everyone I've run into remembers the scene in this film where they put bugs in a person's ears. Terryfying!

Traumatized.
Didn't sleep for weeks.

And the smacker is that earwigs bear a striking resemblance to those things from Wrath of Khan (I dubbed them "Goochies" in my impressionable young mind). It doesn't help that the word "ear" is in earwig. In addition, those nasty pincer things mother nature gave earwigs don't endear me to them either.

In closing, I thought I would share with you my first sketch of an earwig. It was not quite as successful, although it does swivel its hips.

Illustration Friday: Tea

2006-03-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

Hot beverages are a big part of life, particularly in the chilly months, but they can also be a great source of conflict, as seen in the recent Hot Bevvy Olympics, pictured above.

This year, a new Gold Medalist emerged. As you can see from the illustration above, Tea has taken my number 1 spot as favourite hot drink. Coffee, last year's favourite, is sulking and is in denial (he is the crudimentary coffee bean, #2). Rounding off these Bevvy Olympians is Hot Chocolate, who is this year's poster child for belligerent. A false sense of security was given to Hot Chocolate when he won year after year in childhood. But when something stronger was needed, he was cast aside with He-mans and Garbage Pail Kids cards. But we still love you, Hot Chocolate...you just have to sit at the kid's table.

Illustration Friday: Song

2006-02-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

This is a still from my Flash animated film Battle of the Senses. The lips represent the sense of taste. The guitar represents the sense of...guitar, I guess. The guitar is actually sidekick to the lips. Together they sing a song to wreak havoc on the sense of sound, represented by the ear. Hopefully I'll figure out how to get this 'toon on a website soon so I can share it.

Illustration Friday: Chair

2006-02-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

Like most of us, chairs have aspirations. This humble office chair, for example, made of the most expendable wood and given to entry-level employees, dreams one day of becoming the Cadillac of chairs: the recliner.

Why? Recliners get all the love. You'd be hard-pressed to find a human who did not look at their recliner with nothing but the deepest respect. When they are in their recliner, they say, "I'm home." When they're sad, a simple lift of the lever on the recliner whisks their legs heavenbound, lifting their spirits at the same time.

The office chair does none of these things. Aside from chronic back pain and utility at its basest form, the office chair is nothing more than dressed up kindling. But an office chair can dream...

Illustration Friday: Glamour (Lumberjack chic)

2006-01-31T18:22:00.000-08:00

When all the elite mags are compelled to come up with the most glamorous woodsman of them all, there is no contest. It is the lumbering lumberjack.

Take Strapping Jack Axworthy (pastelled above). His award-winning beard, for starters, has been baptized in the finest Grecian formula in existence. His jacket, often scoffed at by the near-sighted and the ignorant, is made of the finest silks. It is often cited as the catalyst for bringing back the hoser chic movement.

And the toque...Let us never forget the toque. Stunning in its simplicity, this red and black wonder is pure drama. It protects Jack from the sun and the wind and the chipmunks, all the while accentuanting his perfectly oval head. A 10.

Illustration Friday: Cat

2006-01-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of my cat Bouton for Illustration Friday.

It is a little known fact that cats are actually among the most patient of species when it comes to portraiture. Simply ensure they are well fed beforehand. If you are slow and precise with your brush, I also recommend overstimulating them with laser pointers and other such exhausting chaseables. Remember that the key is to get your cat tired, not you. My cat once had to nibble at my fingers to reawaken me when I was sketching her. It's not a pretty picture (no pun intended) when the sketchee outlasts the sketcher.